Still Riot

dakotasleepingIt’s been almost five years since I lost a dog I loved. It was the summer of 2011 and Santo and Eddie went within a month of each other. Though it didn’t make it any easier, we knew it was time for Santo. But with Eddie, we were both shocked. It hadn’t even been a full year since Chase and I had broken up when they both passed. We buried their bodies next to each other at the edge of the woods where we all had lived together for eleven years. It felt like everything I loved died that year and the grief was relentless.

When I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I was startled into consciousness by some combination of the lingering hyper-vigilance that set in when Dakota got so sick, and then, the realization that he is gone. The hole that he left in the fabric of space is much larger than what his 75-pound body occupied, and for a moment, in my panic last night, I felt crushed by the weight of it.

When I woke again this morning, still heavy with sadness, I texted Chase, “How did we get through it when we lost the dogs?” I couldn’t remember, even though she and I had loved and lost so many in our fifteen years together. But then I remembered. We just let ourselves be crushed. And we were. I was crushed by our divorce, even though I had chosen it. I was crushed by all the things I wished I had done differently, all the ways I felt I failed her and failed myself. All the ways I felt I failed the dogs. I walked like a ghost through my life for more than a year. But, somehow, she and I saw each other every Sunday. We gardened together when it was warm. She adopted two dogs and we all took long walks together, even on the cold, snowy Sundays of winter. We played Scrabble and drank wine. We cried. We hashed through blame, guilt, anger and shame. We forgave each other. We forgave ourselves. We told lots of stories about the dogs. And they lived in our hearts. When Dakota died yesterday, she was the first person I called because I knew, more than anyone else, she would understand.

Today, I forced myself out of the house and drove to my favorite beach, but all I could feel was the gaping hole and not even the ocean could fill it. So it is that each loss touches every loss that ever was. For someone who considers herself a person who knows how to “do grief,” I found myself scrolling further back through the years, again trying to remember how to lose what you know and who you love. I landed in August 1996. Maeve and I had ended our seven-year relationship, sold our house, and stopped speaking. I had just left a career as a social worker and enrolled full-time in the MBA program at the university. It was the first day of classes and I was horrified–not by going back to school, but by being inculcated in a culture that held monetary profit above all. Horrified I would sell out, too, I scurried to the quad after class to hang out with the socialists who always gathered there. I made a donation to the cause and picked up a copy of the latest Socialist Worker news. Then I walked to the record store and bought a copy of Ferron’s latest CD. You probably don’t know who Ferron is unless you considered yourself a lesbian in the 80s or were way into folk music, but Rolling Stone magazine compared her favorably to both Leonard Cohen and Bob Dylan. And so it was that Still Riot saw me through a year of loss.

I drove home to Goose and Max and Dakota’s absence and cried. We sat in the afternoon sun, everything and nothing the same. We keep loving, that’s how we lose. We just keep loving.

You gotta go for fire
You gotta go for what you know so well
You gotta go for why you came this way
and live your story cell to cell to cell

If we’re in everything we think, and everything we do
Then I’m in you and you’re in me,
and only Nothing is as true

There is a way through constant sorrow
There is a way through constant sorrow
There is a way through constant sorrow

~Ferron, from “Still Riot”


Energetic Update


For those of you not familiar with my work as an intuitive guide, I’m excited to offer a limited-time introductory discount–a full 35% off my session rate! You must purchase the session before February 14th, but you can schedule the session for any time.


Goodness, energy is moving! In sessions this past month I saw many clients stepping into fuller expressions of who they are. It is such an honor to witness the brilliance and integrity of your journeys. That is not to say this is the easiest time to be human. Just in the last couple weeks I’ve witnessed a cellular release of old programming that’s been held deeply in the tissue and organs, bringing to the surface temporary symptoms of illness, physical pain, grief, and anger. The energies of January were wildly diverse–ranging from full throttle to full stop. I feel that starting to even out a bit in February. Be patient and gentle with yourself if you are in a challenging phase.

Much, but not all, of the release and transformation I am seeing is related to our sexual/creative energy and relationships. We’re continuing to integrate and balance the masculine and feminine energies within. In western culture, even women are conditioned in the masculine energy of “doing” and “action.” If you haven’t slowed down, you may be experiencing circumstances that force you to refrain from activity and return to a more feminine state of receptivity. This may come through illness, accident, or sheer physical exhaustion. Combine this re-balancing with the infusion of unprecedented light energies into our reality, and our bodies are consistently asking for rest. For those of us who have spent more time in the feminine state of being and receptivity, we are now emerging from long periods of deep rest and are feeling compelled into action for the first time in years.

In many ways, I’m seeing a fuller spectrum of gender (gender is not a binary) and sexuality being integrated and expressed at this time, as well. For some this has meant grieving old relationships or ways of relating. For some it has meant pulling their sexual energy inwards, refraining from partner sex, and more fully exploring self-love and self-pleasuring. For others this has meant an experience of the sexual energies appearing to go dormant as your entire energetic system goes through a re-haul. Some are healing a deeper layer of the old paradigm of oppressor and victim. Others are reviewing current relationships and restructuring them to better reflect who they know themselves to be. Others, still, are learning to harness the full power of their sexual energy in service to manifesting a world that honors the divinity of all beings and the earth itself.

I am also seeing folks awakening to a fuller experience of their own intuitive and energetic abilities, whether that is remembering flashes of other lives, or beginning to communicate with the non-physical realms, or anchoring new frequencies through art, music, and other creative endeavors. With this awakening, many are feeling called to express themselves in ways their hearts have always longed to. For some, this looks like a vague understanding that there is some part of yourself that you put away long ago that you want to reclaim. It might feel like words on the tip of your tongue that you’ve never before spoken, and perhaps, even, in a language with which you are not familiar. For others this looks like the beginning of a new business adventure or a commitment to speaking about and practicing what you feel most passionately about.

In my own life, I can say “Yes!” to nearly all of the above experiences, and wildly enough, sometimes it seems as if I’m experiencing all of these things at the same time. Whatever your experience is, please know you are not alone and you are worthy of deep love and support.